Trust in ME, just in ME!

Trust in me, just in me!

As I have been reflecting over the last week or so on where God is leading me I feel like I am in uncharted waters with Him. I feel Him taking me on a journey, an unexpected journey, but a journey nonetheless. This is a trust journey and I have a feeling we’re going deep and I need to hold on tight!!!

As I pictured this journey I saw a scene from Disney’s ‘The Jungle Book’ where Kaa is wrapping himself around Mowgli and singing mesmerisingly to him about trusting in him, except it was me and God was wrapping himself around me and singing to me to trust in Him, just in Him, the King of the Universe!

He was reminding me that He knows me intimately and that he has the best plans for my life, as He has been reminding me a lot lately. You may be aware, if you read my blog that the Lovely Mr B and I are currently doing battle with his throat cancer and God is wrapping us up in His love and provision like never before as He walks through this with us. We feel held by God and truly trust that He has got this situation in hand and that the cancer will be eradicated from Mr B’s body.

Psa 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

However, even though I am fully trusting God for this it seems I may not have been fully trusting Him in other areas of my life and God has been bringing this to light over the last week or so. I hadn’t realised before that you can be fully trusting God in one area of your life but not necessarily trusting in another, how did I not know this! But, God in His infinite kindness revealed this to me just last week.

So, the situation that I find myself in during this season, as I touched on in my last post, (Have you ever felt like shouting, it’s not fair) is laying down something very dear to my heart. I lead the prayer ministry at the church I attend and am passionate about seeing people get breakthroughs and come into the freedom that we are entitled to as followers of Jesus. During this season, it has quickly become apparent that a lot of my energy is needed to support the lovely Mr B in a very practical and emotional way and this means my capacity for everything has become diminished.

You too may be in a difficult season where a lot of your energy is needed to support someone you love and maybe you have reduced capacity in the same way or maybe it manifests in another area of your life? I hope that what God has been revealing to me will help you too.

For me, standing beside my husband through this cancer treatment and being there for him is leaving me feeling overwhelmed at times with the ‘stuff’ I have to do, and that’s just how it is for me. We all walk things out differently don’t we?

So, after praying about it, one of the areas that I decided I would step back from leading in this season, to give me more capacity, was the prayer ministry. Now realising this and doing it were two very different things. I wrestled with it a bit and it felt very painful and this is where God got my attention.

Why was it so painful to step back from this? What was it revealing about me? What did I need to do about it?

When God wants to get your attention on something, it can be a Kairos moment (an opportune moment in time), it’s always a good idea to stop and listen when this happens. He clearly wanted to do some work in me (it seemingly never stops and probably never will).

In putting down the prayer ministry I had poured my heart into, I felt like I might miss what I was called to and that I wouldn’t get another opportunity, this was my one and only chance to be used by God in this area! In some way, if i’m brutally honest I was also worried that it might move forward better without me and that I wasn’t needed at all!!! Yikes, maybe somehow my identity had become caught up with this ministry role? I was so desperate to see my church moving forward in this precious area, and for God to do all that He wanted to do in this area of ministry that I had somehow begun to think this wouldn’t happen unless I was pushing it forward (these are ugly truths I know).

So, I felt Him ask if I trusted Him with my calling? 

Well, when God asks questions like that it gets a bit uncomfortable doesn’t it? But, God I trust you for Mr B’s healing and I trust that you have the best plans for my life…but…but…but!

Yep, I guess I wasn’t trusting that if He wanted me to put it down that He wouldn’t have other plans for me and guess what, they are even better than the plans I had constructed in my own head. Also, I think somehow my identity had become embroiled with this area of ministry and that somehow other people’s breakthrough would be reliant on me and the prayer ministry.

Somewhere along the line my identity had become tied up with ministry and not on who I am. It is very humbling when you realise that God doesn’t actually need us to accomplish His plans. He is just happy that we are His sons and daughters and that is our number one role in life. My own identity is primarily as His daughter and not for anything I can bring to the relationship, but quite simply that!

God is building His church and He doesn’t need us to do that, He is fully capable Himself but, He chooses to include and use us in this because He delights in relationship with us and we get to be family together in this.

Matt 16:18 And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.

We of course want to be fully involved with God’s plans and what He wants to do on this earth because we love Him so much, and wanting to serve and go where He calls is out of an overflow of love because of what He has done for us and not as a way of paying Him back. Otherwise it comes from a place of doing things to please Him and trying to earn our salvation, an orphan mindset not a son or daughter mindset.

Anyway, back to trust and I am happy to say after chatting with a friend (highly recommended to get a trusted friends point of view) I was able to reflect on what God was saying to me. After apologising for not trusting Him and the fears that I had been feeling (it’s best to pull them up by the root) I have started to move forward and am excited about what lies ahead because I know who holds the future and I know that He is a good, good Father. I also know from experience that He is trustworthy and that this translates to ALL areas of my life.

Now I’m not saying it’s easy, as trusting can at times be painful, costly and a bit scary as you walk a road you’ve never been down before, not sure where it leads but, it’s in the trusting that your relationship with God goes to a whole new depth, the deep places, the uncharted territory.

I was reminded of a picture I took whilst on a brief but beautiful trip to the Lakes before Mr B started his treatment (we prayed for this short break so hard). It was of a tree growing beside one of the many lakes we walked around. The roots were deep and established, intertwined over thousands of years and God spoke to me about the fact that when a tree is pruned back sometimes it can seem harsh and there looks like there is no coming back from it, the tree is left looking stunted, but in actual fact there is so much energy and strength going down into the roots during this pruning season that it doesn’t need to fear the pruning but should welcome the pruning trusting the expertise of the gardener with it.

I remember cutting back a Buddleia plant in our back garden and I went in hard leaving just the main trunk, then reflecting after the exertion of the cutting that I had probably killed it! But over the last few weeks we have had to get friends round to help us cut the thing back because it’s so big and there have been so many flowers on it we can’t see through to the end of the garden-ha! The irony wasn’t lost on me!

You, like me may be in a difficult season, you may feel like me that you are putting things down and are feeling like God has pruned you back too hard…

…but everything He does is for our growth and benefit, even if it feels painful and costly at times. Ultimately you WILL bear fruit.

Jer 17-8

Jer 17:8 They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

As I was writing this I was listening along to a current favourite album by the Housefires. This song has really been inspiring me and the lyrics are really powerful. It is such a journey walking with you Papa but your presence always covers me.

Mountain to Valley-Housefires lll

Plagued by your promises
Words you have spoken
Desires you have placed in me
Faithfully you will complete

From the mountain to the valley
From the desert to the raging sea
And in the silence or the city streets
oh your presence always covers me

Hope you will lead the way
Peace you will be my strength
To see in the midst of storms
And believe in your goodness Lord

From the mountain to the valley
From the desert to the raging sea
It’s In the silence or the city streets
Oh your presence always covers me x2

•••

You take me in
You lead me out
You take me in
You lead me out
You take me in
You lead me out
Such a journey walking with you now x3

When I don’t know what steps to take
When I don’t know the moves to make
This one thing I can’t escape
Your love

When I don’t have the words to say
When I can’t seem to find my way
This one thing I can’t escape
It’s Your love
It’s your love

From the mountain to the valley
From the desert to the raging sea
And in the silence or the city streets
Oh your presence always covers me x2

Oh your presence always covers me
Oh your presence always covers me

When I don’t know what steps to take
When I don’t know what moves to make
This one thing I can’t escape
Your love

When I don’t have the words to say
When I can’t seem to find my way
This one thing I can’t escape
Your love

Oh it’s your love
It’s your love
It’s your love

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9 thoughts on “Trust in ME, just in ME!

  1. I cannot wait to see all the growth and fruit from this season. I feel like God is pulling you back hard like a catapult because he is wanting to launch you far! Thanks for sharing your journey. Xxx

  2. I feel very encouraged by your words Sarah. I have had a tumultuous 3 months of Severe ill health and relationship upheaval . I know that God wants me to sit back in respite by the water … as the hard prune has been done and healing awaits.

    1. Jocelyn thanks so much for taking the time to feedback. I’m so glad that you have been encouraged by this post. It’s a hard season to be in for sure but we know that Papa works all things for good. Praying that your healing is swift. Sending love.
      Sarah xx

  3. Love your honesty and vulnerability Sarah. Know this is a tough season you are both walking through but I believe the Father loves the way you are reaching out to hold his hand just like a little girl puts her hand in her Daddy’s hand because she knows he will protect her in things that are too big for her. Reminded of Peters words “to whom shall we go for you have the words of eternal life”
    Praying for you this morning.

    PS Thanks for posting my blog Sarah and for such kind and honouring words you wrote.
    Love you
    Claire xxx

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